Kiss Me, Kill Me
by Ebony Pistol
Summary: Due to some interesting secrets Harry must be wed off, but how does he fight someting both Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore are in on. Suiters galore! Who will win Harry's heart? Or can anyone win it at all? Slash and Het pairings.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K Rowling not me.

Yes, there will be errors! You are warned!

CHAPTER 1

It was another drawling day in the life of Harry Potter as he watched his best friends make out at the Gryffindor table. For Gods sake, he was TRYING to EAT! Apparently over three quarters of the room had the same idea as him, even Draco could be seen turned around and with a plate of food resting in his lap, just so he didn't have to watch the appalling display. Snape had left over ten minutes ago, and Harry thought that he was right on the money. Blimey! How do they go on for so long?

Someone had to stop this, and apparently it was going to be Harry Potter, the-boy-who-had-to-do-everything. So turning towards his red headed friend, who at the time had his tongue impossibly far down his girlfriends throat, gave a small light poke to his side. This was not enough force to wake up his 'entranced' friend. So, he poked him harder, and harder, and even harder still. Alas! Nothing, but he swore he could hear Malfoy and half of the Slytherin table cheer him on, with their pleading eyes. Okay, I guess he had to do this the old fashioned way…

"Ron, um excuse me," his voice was soft, as not to attract attention to himself. Of course it didn't last long.

"Ron."

"Ron!"

"RON."

"RON!" Bloody hell! Of course, just before he was about to resort to food flinging, a savior arrived.

"RONALD WEASLEY! Would you please extract your tongue out of Ms. Granger's mouth before I burn it away with the most agonizing potions ingredients known to man!" Severus Snape had just about enough of this, and although he would rather eat in his dungeons then with Gryffindors, he had to look out for his Slytherins, who were going through this as well.

When billowing black robes stopped before the trio, Harry, averted his eyes so not to enrage his potions professor with something that was clearly not his fault, but would be if given the chance.

Ron stupidly looked directly up into Snape's eyes, while Hermione was trying to just fade away, her face as red as a tomato.

"Professor, is there a problem?" 'What! The nerve of the Weasley!' Harry just shook his head; apparently Ron was still a little high from the make out session.

All Snape did was give his infamous glare and Ron seemed to wake up and notice how much trouble he was in.

"For that disgusting display, and for making Goyle lost his dinner, one week of detention for both of you with Filch! Starting tomorrow at eight pm, is that understood?" Ron and Hermione looked as thought they both wanted to argue, but were quickly quieted with another glare from Snape.

"I should also give Potter a detention for failing miserably in something so trivial, report to me at eight tomorrow for lessons in tact!" With that the billowing robes of the potion master exited in the same way he came in.

Harry just laid his head on the table and wished that he were never born, lessons in tact? That's a good one, as if he didn't have enough trouble with Voldie as it is! When Harry heard Ron whisper to him that he and Hermione were going back to the dorms, the green-eyed boy wondered just where he was going to have to hang out until they were finished, he was rather tired.

Dumbledore, with his twinkling eyes and ever-colorful robes just smirked at the scene. 'Ah, love is in the air!'

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" I can't believe that greasy, slimy, no good,"

"Ron calm down." Hermione tried to talk some sense into her boyfriend, but after the 'incident' and feeling like the dumbest thing alive, Ron couldn't help but rant.

"Calm down? Calm down! Mione, he had no right to do that to us!" The female Prefect looked skeptical,

"maybe, but I think maybe we overdid it this time." The red head could only huff in anger as he plopped down on the Gryffindor couch.

Suddenly the portrait opened and in Seamus and Ginny.

"No offense you two but I think you deserve it, that was nasty, like out of some porno!" Seamus commented.

"Yeah, and besides, you're making poor Harry feel bad!" All eyes turned to the Weasley girl, who crossed her arms over her chest.

"What the bloody hells are you talking about Gin?" Rolling her eyes the younger girl took a seat in the nearest armchair.

"You don't actually mean that you can't see it?" Skeptical looks. "Are you serious! You mean you two haven't seen how Harry looks longingly at you two? He's practically begging for someone to sweep him off his feet!" Horrified eyes passed between girlfriend and boyfriend.

"Is our relationship really hurting Harry? Ron, we have to do something!" Frantic the busy haired girl began to pace in front of the fire.

"Actually, that's why we came to talk to you," Ginny smiled, but it was not without something painful deep inside. "Dumbledore has told me something rather important, and he said that we should come up with a plan."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Well that's easy enough, if we knew what he said,"

"Shut up Ron and let me get to it!" Seamus beat her to it.

"What Ginny is trying to say is that-."

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As the wind played with ebony locks, bright emerald eyes looked tiredly out at the lake, the monster near the surface to warm the large body with the suns last rays. If he didn't head back soon he'd be in trouble, and with his luck it would be Snape that would find him.

Sighing, the beautiful boy remembers the earlier events in the great hall. 'I wish I had someone to care for me, to hold me when I cry, to kiss me for no reason but that they love me.' Of course Snape's 'tact' excuse was pretty poor, laughing to himself Harry got up from the soft grass and stretched his aching muscles.

It was only the start of sixth year, and yet, he felt that this was going to be the most interesting yet.

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For once Harry did not dream of Voldemort, in fact he did not dream of anything at all. This of course being the best kind of dream made Harry feel like the day was going to go great. Little did he know that there was going to be a surprise when he went down to breakfast that morning.

Dressing in his usual attire of Dudley's hand me downs and his school robes, Harry Potter walked his way down to breakfast, a smile on his face.

"Good morning Potter!" An unusually chipper voice interrupted Harry's blissful nothingness.

"What do you want Malfoy?" Harry tried to ignore the arm that was draped around his waist. 'What in the bloody hell is Malfoy thinking?'

"Oh not much wonder-boy, just heard about you whoring yourself to the entire school."

"What!" Shoving Malfoy off him Harry stomped away from the blond Slytherin, intent on finding out what the hell was going on.

The great hall was a mess, or at least it didn't look like it did every morning. There was a long line of students both male and female that started from Dumbledore and ended bunched up at the doors. 'The bloody hell?"

Dumbledore had a bright smile on his face as students came up to him one by one.

"Name, oh Neville it's you, taking part in this as well?" Harry saw the shy boy nod, "very well then, I'll put your name down. Now tell me why you would like a date with Mr. Potter hmm?" A what! What was Dumbledore talking about?

"Because he's a good friend, and I guess I could teach him a few things," the boy smiled at the headmaster.

"Ah! A noble gesture Mr. Longbottem," then the old man wrote something down on a large piece of script.

"Next!" And the next person came up, some third year Hufflepuff Harry didn't recognize. The same thing took place as before, the name and reason for 'dating' Harry Potter was written down. He seriously couldn't take it anymore, Harry Potter was seething, but before he could do anything about it someone grabbed his arm and drug him into an uninhabited classroom.

"Hey, who do you think you- professor!" Indeed, Snape stood looming over him, sneer plastered on his face.

"Good morning Potter, quite the surprise no?"

"What's going on!" Harry demanded, forgetting this was Snape.

"Do not raise your voice when you speak to me boy! Now, about the ruckus in the great hall, Lord, the Headmaster has decided to find you a mate, so to speak." Could his ears have heard wrong? Mate? What?

"Don't look at me like that Potter, and if you think you're getting out of this, you're sorely mistaken." Flabbergasted is what Harry was; when he did speak it was squeaky and choppy.

"What, exactly is going on Professor? That can't really make me,"

"Oh but Potter they can, you see after the mutt died," Harry glared at Severus, "after Black died, the legal guardianship was passed onto me, yes Potter, for some reason your idiot father decided to make me your guardian if anything happened to Black. Don't ask me why either, you're wasting your time." How odd was this Harry thought,  
Snape was his guardian, but why?

"Why didn't anyone tell me"

"It was unnecessary, since no one thought that Black would get himself killed, and it's not like it pleases me greatly either. So you see Dumbledore and I decided to wed you off to a dominant partner, therefore my duties would be annulled." The black haired boy couldn't believe what he was hearing, Dumbledore agreed to this! How could he?

Looking down at his feat the sixteen year olds eyes hid the sorrow, which lingered there.

"What do you mean by a dominant partner?" Pinching the bridge of his nose Severus was feeling the effects of age.

"It means you'll take on his or her last name and magical signature, therefore there will be no ties to me being your guardian. Of course you will always be the submissive partner, your word basically means nothing." At this time Harry was too depressed to get angry,

"How could the Headmaster do this to me?" Severus almost felt pity for the boy, almost.

"Look Potter, the headmaster is taking great care in choosing a 'mate.' If there is anyone to blame do not impose it on him, it was my decision, he could not overrule it." 'This is for the best you stupid boy, why can you not see this?'

There was nothing more to say, so Severus left the boy standing where he was as he exited the room.

'Am I really that unable to be loved? Sirius, why did you have to die!' Sinking to the floor the boy–who-lived cried out his frustrations.

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TBC…

Review please! It's my energy drink!


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